50/50

I was completely unaware that my mum was having tests done for the BRACA1 Gene. We are a close family, however my life had recently changed so much. Divorce, a newly single mum, and a new relationship, where he had not long met my boys. So I had my head in the clouds, I was in my own little bubble. Trying to survive my own storm.

She may of told me about the chances of her having it, and she said she did. But to this day I really don’t remember. She came over one Saturday or Sunday in July 2023. It was the weekend before I was starting a new job. She often came by to see myself and the boys. But something seemed different this time. Whenever she has something to tell us, she has a smirk on her face. And it didn’t take to long for me to work out, she was round to tell me something.

My mum followed me into the kitchen, with a piece of paper in her hand. My stepdad who came with her, was in the front room with Daryl and my two boys. Trying to keep them occupied. She started to explain that she had the tests, and asked if I remembered her talking to me about them a while ago. She then told me she had tested positive. Like I said we had been so lucky as a family, as no one in the family had been diagnosed with cancer. I was shocked. I couldn’t understand how or why. I couldn’t think straight. I went into panic mode. I have found 2/3 lumps in my breast before and always go to worst case scenario. She was talking to me, telling me about the facts. But I wasn’t listening. I knew about the BRACA1 due to knowing others with it. I knew what my chances were of having it. 50/50.

I instantly felt dirty. Like I knew I had it, that I needed to know now if I had. And if my boys had the chances of having it. I was also very aware that Daryl had a close family member going through breast cancer. And he now had his new partner potentially having a cancer gene.

The days that followed were just a blur, google become my best friend. I wanted to know all the facts. What my chances were of having it, and then if I did have it, what my chances were of developing cancer. And what types of cancer. What I could do to protect myself from developing it. Looking into what diets I could follow to lower my chances. I had referred myself to my doctors to get the referral done to find out if it had it. But also looking at going privately, however it was going to cost me £££ to be able to do that. And it wasn’t something I had.

I had the referral letter come back fairly quickly, about 2 weeks. Saying that they had my referral and if I hadn’t heard anything by a certain date to call them. That wait was torture. The wait was about 3 weeks. At the time it felt like months, however I didn’t know what was to come. As soon as the date came though that I could call them, I did. They asked me all my details, and began to tell if hadn’t heard by November to give them a call back. Which I did, I waited. With the constant fear over my head every day. With the same thoughts, will it be today that I get the letter or phone call. Will it be today I found a lump. I got into such a bad habit of checking my breast, everyday. Over thinking any type of symptoms that I got. If I had bloating, or some heartburn, was it my ovaries. It took over my life. Being in limbo was worse than knowing. Trying to not let my anxieties take over my life. However it was happening without me even realising. Finally November came round and I still hadn’t heard anything, I called them again. This is where I got the shock, that the waiting list was about a year long. 365 days. To even get to an appointment to discuss the testing.

I hadn’t even got half way through that wait, and it was taking over my life.

 

Suzie x